“Before yesterday, I’d never been kissed.”
Overall, I found “Never Been Kissed” a pretty decent episode. It had some pretty good music. We start with Finn and Sam in the locker room, discussing their girlfriends. Sam’s complaining that he’s had to take lots of cold showers since he started dating Quinn. Obviously, she’s very anti-fooling around because of what happened with Puck. Finn explains his technique for keeping things in his pants (remembering hitting a postman while learning to drive) and Sam thinks it could work. He decides on picturing Coach Beiste in a compromising position. Unfortunately, this storyline is very pick-on-Beiste in nature, and that was one of my problems with this episode.
Next we see Kurt and Tina walking down the hall, and thus begins our next storyline for the episode. They don’t get more than a few steps before a big football player slams Kurt into a locker. From the look on Kurt’s face, it’s obvious it’s happened before. He walks into the glee club rehearsal without a word, and he takes his seat while Mr. Schuster announces their sectionals competition; the Dalton Academy Warblers, an all boys a Capella group, and the Hipsters, a group of elderly people getting their GEDs. The glee clubbers don’t seem too fazed by their competitors. To prep for sectionals, Mr. Schuster is going to have them do another mash up with boys vs. girls. Like last year, Kurt attempts to join the girls but is shunted back to the testosterone-filled side of the room. After another shove into a locker by the football player, Kurt ends up in Mr. Schuster’s office, and he admits he’s not happy at McKinley High. Being the only openly gay student is getting to him. This leads Mr. Schu to mix up the mash up. The boys will do songs traditionally performed by female musicians and vice versa for the girls.
Kurt suggests Diana Ross to the guys, and they immediately shoot it down and suggest he go spy on the Warblers. Meanwhile, that night, Sam is making out with Quinn and tries out his new technique. He imagines Coach Beiste in a teddy chopping meat and ends up saying her name. Quinn’s pretty confused and brings it to Sue’s attention the next day. Honestly, I’m really starting to find Sue irritating more often than not. Anyway, Sue tells Quinn to make a public spectacle of the whole thing and shame Coach Beiste into leaving. Sue really can be a despicable human being sometimes.
We also have yet another storyline in this episode; Puck and Artie. Puck’s returned from his stint in juvenile detention and he claims that Artie is his community service. During lunch, they head out to the quad to busk. They end up singing a really nice duet of “One Heart”. I have to say, I really like the songs Mark sings. And he and Kevin have a really nice harmony. They end up making about $300 and Puck tells Artie they’re taking Brittany and Santana on a double date to Breadstix so Artie can win Brittany back.
Kurt is now off spying on the Warblers and he’s quite impressed. He meets Blaine, a rather cute guy (Darren Criss) who lets him sit in on a Warblers performance. They do Katie Perry’s “Teenage Dream” which actually is pretty awesome. Kurt is obviously crushing on Blaine and the fact that he feels so at home at Dalton.
Meanwhile, Tina and Mike Chang are making out. Mike’s told Tina about Sam’s “Beiste” trick and Tina ends up picturing the coach in a tutu smoking a cigar and saying her name. Mike’s pissed and tells Beiste to leave his girlfriend alone. Quinn has similar words and accuses Sam of sleeping with Coach Beiste. Mr. Schu gives Sam and Mike a talking to and tells them they can’t be making fun of Coach Beiste, even in private, because it’s just going to alienate her more. It was a good message but a little preachy in the way he said it.
Back at Dalton Academy, Kurt’s having coffee with Blaine and a couple other guys. It’s pretty clear that Kurt’s overwhelmed-in a good way- by what they’re saying. Dalton has a no-tolerance bullying policy and it’s enforced. Blaine ends up pulling Kurt aside and telling him that it wasn’t so easy for Blaine either. He was taunted at his old school and he chose to run away from his problems. He encourages Kurt to confront his. I really like the relationship they’re setting up between Kurt and Blaine, even if it’s only friendship right now.
Coach Beiste confronts Will about what’s going on with the kids. Will reluctantly tells her about the guys imagining her in compromising positions and she takes off, clearly upset. It’s a little unclear whether Will was trying to save face by not telling her or genuinely didn’t want to hurt her. I think it was probably a combination of the two.
Out at dinner at Breadstix, Puck is telling the group about how tough he was in lockup and how he made some 300-pound tat-covered thug hand over his waffles. Santana’s impressed and Artie’s playing along. Puck says they should dine and dash but Artie can’t do it and Puck leaves him behind.
It’s the girl’s day to do their mash up and they perform a combo of “Living on a Prayer” and “Start Me Up”. They’re dressed in crazy black leather with eighties hair. It’s a decent mash up. I think I like it a little better than last year. We got a Mercedes singing lead on one of the verses which was nice. Right as the girls finish their number, Will is summoned to the auditorium by Sue, care of Becky. I really wish they would find a better use for Becky. It just tends to piss me off the way they use her like she’s the token mentally disabled person in the show. Anyway, that’s a rant for another time. Once Will arrives in the auditorium, he learns that Coach Beiste has quit, and Sue celebrates by setting off two confetti cannons (she’s gotten her full budget back).
Kurt gets a text from Blaine, giving him courage to confront the football player, when the kid slams Kurt into a locket. This time, Kurt doesn’t take it. He confronts his attacker in the boy’s locker room and just when you think Kurt’s going to get slugged, the football player kisses Kurt. Kurt looks surprised by the action and the football player looks really upset.
Will is giving the Glee kids a stern lecture about what they did to Coach Beiste (Quinn realizes she was wrong and apologizes to Sam) when Principal Figgins shows up and demands that Will and Puck get to his office. Puck’s probation officer is there and she’s not happy. She thought he was going to do his community service by doing outreach to a local gang, not hang out with Artie. Puck kind of loses it and storms out of the office.
Kurt has now called Blaine for some in person moral support in talking to the football player, but things don’t go as planned. The football player gets defensive and blows them off. Kurt’s upset because he’d never been kissed before the day before. Blaine’s sympathetic and offers to buy lunch. Meanwhile, Will goes to see Coach Beiste and convinces her to come to the choir room the next day so the boys can apologize. He also finds out Coach Beiste has never been kissed and does the honors. It was in theme with the episode but it felt kind of shallow.
Before we get to the last musical performance of the show, the boy’s mash up, Puck admits to Artie that juvenile detention was terrifying. He got beat up and attacked and people stole his waffles. Artie is understanding and offers to tutor Puck in geometry while he cleans up trash on the side of the highway as real community service. The boy’s mash-up is “Stop in the Name of Love” and “Free Your Mind”. It’s pretty good and Coach Beiste likes it. It seems that for now, all is well with her and the Glee guys. Kurt’s happiness remains to be seen.