Summer DVR Dump: The Librarians 3.09: “And the Fatal Separation”

“I’ve had a great run, boys. But it’s time for to say goodbye to the Library and this dimension forever.”
- Charlene

We are in the penultimate episode of the season, folks! As a creepy Asian collector gets a map from some guy who doesn’t talk (supposedly to the lost land of Shangri-La), we find that Jake is already there studying from the Monkey King. He’s been there for two months but he’s learned everything he can (minus magic because Jake is still very anti-magic). It’s interesting, he’s got a very different fighting style from Eliot Spencer but I’d say it’s a little similar to Lindsay from Angel. Very interesting. Unfortunately, while he puts up a good fight when the collector and his ninjas show up, Jake gets hit with a knock-out dart and falls into the river (going over the falls).

Back at the Library, Jenkins has rediscovered the chamber of memory (it’s a bunch of candles linked to everyone with a connection to the library). Eve’s candle is super bright and has a long way to go. But the reason Jenkins summoned Flynn there was to show him that Charlene is still alive. Yay! Oh, and Flynn’s candle is nearly burned out. When it goes out, the person dies and becomes a memory (hence the name of the room). But that also tie sin with Flynn realizing that he’s going to have to give up his life to save the library.

While Flynn is contemplating his end, Cassie is stressing over learning to control her new gift (or at least the new ways in which it works). Eve is confident she can do it and has faith that when the time is right, Cassie will know what to do. That time may be sooner rather than later because Jake comes flying through the back door and reports on what went down in Shangri-La. Flynn knows the collector (they’ve gone head to head previously). Also, the Monkey King having to rebuild a bit of the sacred city may have been Flynn’s fault when he was securing the spear of destiny (which I suspect is a slightly different version from the one being sought on Legends of Tomorrow). Anyway, they need to a plan to get back to the city and the staff (which controls the magic in the city (whether it’s good or evil). Whoever holds said staff at sundown controls the magic. At first, the plan is going well. Cassie and Ezekiel go in posing as land pirates offering up something Flynn beat the guy to previously. Cassie impresses him with her knowledge of other people in the business and then things go a little wonky when he brings up Ezekiel. The guy thinks our resident master thief was great. He never met him but heard his voice at a party once. So, Ezekiel is gonna have to keep his trap shut for the rest of the episode if they want the plan to work. Then again, it would help if the rest of the team hadn’t gotten knocked out by more blow darts and a possessed Monkey King.

Things get even more bizarre when Flynn and Jake break out of their prison after waking up and find Charlene in one of the cages. But she isn’t really a prisoner. She’s been hiding in the collector’s possession hoping the Egyptian god wouldn’t think to look for her there. But now, she’s going to go back to the Library and sever her connection to protect everyone. She can’t very well be used to unlock pure evil if she’s not a Guardian anymore. But with Eve missing and the Staff still in the collector’s possession, she agrees to help the boys out one more time for old time’s sake. And Cassie and Ezekiel manage to slip onto the train on which Eve has been loaded. I hope they’re nearby when Eve’s former boss (and mentor) drops the “I’m the head of DOSA and you (Eve) are a sleeper agent” bomb on our favorite Guardian.

Eve’s former boss goes on and on about how it was all a set up to get Eve close to Flynn so they could have someone in the Library because the government views the Library as a terrorist threat. Are they forgetting that Eve got an invitation to the Library just like our newest Librarians? Anyway, thanks to being able to sort of use her new powers, Cassie is able to get Ezekiel past the guard and in to rescue Eve. I just hope that Eve is still on our side. Meanwhile, while Jake is trying to undo the spell put on the Monkey King, Charlene and Flynn head back to the throne room but the collector has the staff and is acting all haughty, like he’s already won.

Ultimately, Flynn, Charlene and Jake are able to save the staff and Shangri-La. Jake is even able to save the Monkey King’s soul (though he gets some magic tattoos for his trouble and is kind of pissed about it). I suspect Eve hasn’t said anything to anyone about being a sleeper agent (which worries me going into the finale). She’s been part of the team since day 1 of the show and I can’t imagine her betraying them. And as we say goodbye to Charlene, we discover that Jenkins wasn’t in love with King Arthur’s bride, but Charlene (who we are to assume is in love with Judson). And now that she’s leaving this plane of existence, I expect her to reunite with him. It’s a very moving goodbye (especially between Charlene and Flynn). Before she goes, Charlene whispers something in Eve’s ear and I really want to know what it was! Does Charlene know the truth? What’s going on?! We end with Eve walking into the chamber of memories and watching as Charlene’s candle goes out. Maybe it’s just the lighting in the room but Eve looks a little sinister there. Gulp!

Fresh off the Boat 3.21: "Pie vs. Cake"

“You know I’d love a sibling team-up. It’d be like my favorite TV show. “Sister Sister.” Except brothers.”
-Emery

“Pie vs. Cake” combined two rather interesting plots that don’t seem to have much to do with each other, other than examining the dynamics between particular members of the Huang family. Jessica has to confront some things about herself when her mini-me, Evan, becomes better than her at arguing. Eddie and Emery try to work together to win a comic book contest, despite their very different sensibilities and work ethics. The plot with Jessica and Evan was more developed, and I really did appreciate how it moved Jessica’s character forward. Now since this is a fairly traditional half hour comedy, Jessica could be back to her “win at all cost” self in the next episode, but for this half hour, it felt like real growth. Jessica had to realize that she can still be good at things, even if someone else is even better. She also had to realize that it wasn’t okay to sabotage her kids for the sake of staying the best. It really was a good episode for Jessica.

The episode opens at the local discount department store, where Jessica is determined to return some of Louis’ very used socks for cash. It seems like the impossible – I figure I’d be lucky to get store credit in such an obvious scam situation. Jessica, however, holds herself to a higher standard. She harasses the poor clerk, Roger (who is played by “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” favorite Tom Lenk) until she gives him the cash. She even hid the fact that she had a receipt for the socks to give herself a bigger challenge. Evan proudly puts the receipt in an album of other receipts that represent Jessica’s “precious victories.” At school the next day, Evan is introduced to an even better way to emulate his mom and make her proud. A group of kids in blazers enter the cafeteria, and he at first assumes they’re private school kids. When he finds out they’re on the debate team and what that means, he’s enthralled.

Meanwhile, Eddie finds Emery diligently drawing a comic. Emery explains that he wants to enter a contest where the winner has their comic placed in comic book stores around the country for free. Eddie things working for free is lame, so he’s not interested. At least he’s not interested until Grandma Huang points out how much money can be made in comics, using her beloved Garfield as an example. This intrigues Eddie, since he’s all about the Benjamins, so he offers to partner up with Emery on a comic for the competition. Emery, of course, thinks this is a fantastic idea, because it will be just like his favorite TV, show “Sister Sister,” just with brothers instead. He even draws a cute “Yes!” speech bubble to formally accept Eddie’s offer.

When Evan asks Jessica for permission to join the debate team, she is thrilled, but she can’t let Evan have it too easy. She has to debate herself first, listing out the pros and cons of Evan being on the team. Of course she lets him join, since she was on the debate team herself in school. She helps Evan practice for his tryout, having him give his speech in front of an army of Beanie Babies. Speaking of, is anybody interested in buying some Beanie Babies? There are a couple tubs of them in my parents’ attic that I’m sure they’d love to get rid of (they keep threatening to bring them to my apartment). In my defense, I was 12 and 13 years old in 1996. Prime Beanie Baby age. Later, the family eats dinner at Cattleman’s Ranch, and they are trying to choose between pie and cake for dessert. Jessica wants pie, and Evan wants cake. They both give impassioned debate speeches to support their position, and Evan wins by reminding people of happy occasions associated with cake, like birthdays. He wraps up his speech with, “If you choose life, choose cake,” to wild applause from the rest of the Cattleman’s patrons.

Eddie and Emery start working on their collaboration. To say they have different taste and creative styles would be an understatement. The superheroes Emery has drawn are called “Nice Man” and “The Empathizer,” while Eddie has basically just written a list of ‘Yo Mamma jokes. Eddie convinces Emery that they should each draw up ideas for ten superheroes and see if there’s one they can agree on. When Emery goes to show Eddie his ideas, Eddie is just eating Twizzlers and watching his friend Trent play video games. He hasn’t come up with any ideas yet. Emery gets upset and accuses Eddie of trying to make him do all the work. Which is kind of true. He even quickly draws up a new character called “Lazy Boy” to make his point. It’s Grandma Huang who brings the boys back together. She recoils in horror at Eddie’s drawing of “Spaghetti Dog” (a dog who looks vaguely Garfield-ish and likes spaghetti instead of lasagna) and implores Eddie to learn to work with his brother. Eddie makes amends, and the boys start truly trying to come up with an idea for their comic.

Jessica hears Evan on the phone bragging to one of his friends about winning the dessert debate, so she takes him to the store to prove she’s still got it. She wants to try to return the family phone, which was purchased five years prior at a Radio Shack in DC. There’s no way Roger should accept the return, and at first it seems as if Jessica has actually crossed the line where Roger won’t help her anymore. Evan comes to the rescue, giving an impassioned speech about the importance of helping mothers, and Roger accepts the phone. Jessica feels more defeated. Louis finds her sitting at the kitchen table in the dark because Evan wanted the lights off and she didn’t think she could argue with him anymore. Jessica tells Louis she doesn’t think she has anything left to teach Evan, and she didn’t think that moment would come so soon.

Louis offers a sympathetic ear to Jessica, but she already has a plan for how she is going to regain her pride. She is going to challenge Evan to another argument, and he is going to win. She sits at the kitchen table with two vegetables in front of her, ready to argue with Evan about which is best. When Evan arrives home, however, he’s devastated. He’s been told he can’t participate in the debate team. Suddenly, Jessica sees how she can be “needed” by her son again. She marches Evan right back to the school and into the debate class. The teacher says that Evan is indeed an excellent debater, but the debate team is only open to fifth grades. Jessica uses expert debate tactics to argue why younger kids should be included, which crescendos with her quoting Whitney Houston’s “Greatest Love of All.” The kids are super impressed, and Evan gets a spot on the team. The triumphant duo arrive home to celebrate their victory, and Evan and Emery have a new (Stan Lee) approved idea for their comic. “Persuader and Blazer Boy.”

Summer DVR Dump: The Librarians 3.08: “And The Eternal Question”

“I don’t like vampires!”
- Jake

Spontaneous human combustion is the name of the game this week. We see a guy doing quite well during a golf tournament. Well, until he bursts into flame. So the team is going to check it out. Though, Cassie says she needs to go visit a doctor in New York who might have information. And Flynn and Eve are off on a different case (a clue left by Charlene for Eve). Jake and Ezekiel go to talk to the golfer’s widow and she explains that her husband had stage 4 cancer but then they went a holistic spa and they cured him. She goes to get the brochure when Ezekiel pulls the curtains to give her more light and she bursts into flame, too. Vampires!!

In New York, Cassie learns that her tumor has gotten too large that she can’t put off surgery any longer. But she’s not going to have surgery to remove it. She just wanted a timeline. But the doctor says she doesn’t have any more time. I’m wondering what they are going to do with her health now. She temporarily hides her fear under a bubbly personality for Jake and Ezekiel while she tries to ask Jenkins out on a date. I found that really odd. I mean, they have kind of a friend, or even a father-daughter vibe going on but a romantic one is just weird. He’s way too old for her!

But there isn’t really time to worry about the squicky factor of that particular pairing because the trio of Librarians heads off to the holistic spa to snoop around. Cassie talks to the caretaker’s daughter about the plants and surrounding soil (she seems interested in learning all she can). But she’s also upset by the false hope that people are given in this place. The guys are also kind of weirded out by the guy they are talking to as well. And about the time Jenkins calls with some crucial information about our combustible golfer and his wife, Jake and Ezekiel figure out the same thing: vampires! Semi-kind hearted, Spanish vampires.

And it turns out Flynn and Eve aren’t following some trail left by Charlene. Rather, Flynn has decided this is the most opportune time for he and Eve to have a romantic getaway in the Alaskan forests. She’s a little miffed he conned her but she kind of loves the gesture anyway. This seemed like an unnecessary subplot for this week’s episode. The rest of the plots are a lot stronger. While they enjoy the evening, Eve realizes they need to get back because the team needs them. Speaking of, Cassie and Jenkins manages to talk Ezekiel and Jake out of going back to the spa crosses and stakes blazing. They need to figure out what’s going on before they take action. There’s also a nice call back to the third Librarian movie where Flynn fell for a vampire (Stana Katic if I remember correctly). Cassie calls Jenkins out on the fact that Flynn fell for an immortal. But Jenkins explains that long ago he pledged his heart to another woman (even though she didn’t choose him … um Gwenivere?) and so he can’t be with anyone else.

Back at the spa, the caretaker explains everything that they know. They came from Spain a while ago and this land has protected them. They are able to walk in sunlight but only on the grounds. They aren’t aware of why guests would be combusting because they don’t feed on the guests (at least not enough to turn them). But as Ezekiel and Jake go browsing the grounds to follow the golfer’s routine, they spot a sketchy locked door and bust in to find some curious mixtures. And then one of the employees comes in and basically spills the beans. He and one of the other vampires (the son or maybe the daughter) have been working on a formula to allow them to walk in sunlight off the grounds. But it isn’t just so they can enjoy the scenery outside, it’s to take over the freaking world!

Cassie gets an offer to be turned into a vampire by the daughter (I now think it is the son who is plotting with the other employee) and then Jake and Ezekiel fill Cassie in. But when Cassie goes to confront the daughter, things take a turn for the dangerous. She insists on speaking to her mother but when they get inside, they find Ezekiel and Jake standing over the mother vampire’s ashes. Then all the boys bust in and grab our guys like snacks. Oh, and Jenkins (having found Cassie’s doctor’s card on the floor) learns that she’s dying and a lot sooner than they all realized.

Thanks to her rapport with the daughter, Cassie manages to convince her brother to at least hear her out about the secret lab. Unfortunately, he leaves orders with his guys to kill Jake and Ezekiel. I have to admit, our guys held their own until Jenkins shows up and is a total badass. Love me some sword wielding Jenkins! Elsewhere in the spa, Cassie figures out at the it is the water that is protecting the vampires, not the rocks. And then a massive sibling fight breaks out and the daughter ends up killing her brother. Just in time for Cassie to pass out in Jenkins’ arms. I’m thinking she’s getting that brain surgery whether she likes it or not. Which may affect her abilities or it may not (given the amount of magic she’s been exposed to). I also liked the sort of flirtation Cassie had with the vampire chick. It was slightly reminiscent of Flynn.

Cassie makes it through the surgery and her gift is even still intact (although it appears to be amplified and altered a bit). But hey, that will give the show some new ways to go about showing her abilities in the final two episodes. And at the close of the episode, she goes to thank the vampire chick for helping her see she was being foolish about the things she’d been focusing on and they share a sweet kiss. I kind of hope we see the vampire again. Because Cassie could use a little love in her life!

#iZombie 3.13: "Looking for Mr. Goodbrain Part 2"

“If we’re going to survive, we might have to do a few things that can’t be undone. If I scratch you, you’d better be damn sure whose side you’re on.”
-Chase

Once again the creative team behind “iZombie” pulled off a finale that left me wondering where the show was going next year and sure it would be someplace interesting. And yet again, whoever is in charge of the music cues was on point. One of my very favorite moment of “iZombie” overall was in the second season finale when a bunch of zombies were munching on the “real” Rob Thomas’ brain while singing Matchbox Twenty’s “Unwell.” This year’s music moments didn’t quite top that, but they were still pretty darn clever. This episode was just jam packed with twists and turns and things that will most definitely have consequences next season. D-Day is upon us, and now that everyone knows zombies exist, it is going to be time to see how the reaction plays out. Will humans be content to let the zombies live peacefully as long as they mostly stay in Seattle, or will our ugliest impulses (which have been quite prevalent for the past couple years, I think) reign?

The episode begins in the aftermath of the house explosion that ended the previous episode. Liv, Peyton, and Ravi are watching the news coverage of the event, and Liv is clearly devastated (as you’d expect, considering her two main romantic interests of the moment were both there). Just as everyone is feeling especially desperate, Major and Justin show up at the door. They survived because they were outside, but the rest of their squad and Natalie did not. Justin asks where Liv was, so Liv has to come clean about the whole sleeping with Chase Graves thing. At least the has the class to take him into another room to deliver the news. He doesn’t accept the being on the brain of someone who liked hookups excuse, and he storms out.

Later at the morgue, Liv and Ravi are working on the explosion victims, trying to piece bodies back together. Babineaux stops by with new information on the Katty Kupps case. Patrice, Tatum Wexler’s roommate, was on the flight from Paris that Katty suspected was the source of Seattle’s Aleutian flu outbreak. She was supposed to be bringing Chase Graves a new pet dog. The team starts speculating about whether a collar meant to dispense citronella to stop barking could have actually dispensed Aleutian flu. Liv confirms she has seen the dog (and the collar) plus a napkin with Katty’s phone number on it in Chase’s hotel room. When pressed on why she was in Chase’s hotel room in the first place, she has to admit that she slept with him. Meanwhile, at the Scratching Post, a bunch of zombies on choreographer blue brain are dancing to “Dream Lover,” which was a pretty great visual. One of Blaine’s minions shows up and says the feds interrupted the drop of Russian brains they were counting on. Blaine, understandably, is not happy about this development.

At Filmore Graves, Blaine tries to do a deal with Chase. He wants to provide all of the brains needed by Filmore Graves employees. Chase declines, saying he has the brain situation taken care of. Furthermore, since whole brains, blue or otherwise (as opposed to brain mush) can be a distraction to his soldiers, he is banning his employees from patronizing the Scratching Post. That just adds insult to injury for poor Blaine. As a very frustrated Blaine leaves Chase’s office, Major enters. Major wants back in at Filmore Graves. Meaning he wants Chase to scratch and re-zombify him. Chase warns Major of the consequences. D-Day is coming, and Major will need to make some tough choices about which side he’s on. Major says there’s no question he’s on the side of the zombies, and he really does want to be scratched.

While Chase is taking meetings, Liv and Babineaux are hovering outside his house. They are planning to do some recon to determine if he had something to do with the Aleutian flu outbreak. Specifically, they want to test the dog collar for flu residue. Liv drinks some Max Rager and jumps over the wall, and she lands right in Chase’s pool. Chase has just arrived home, and he sees this happen. He gives Liv a robe to wear while he runs her clothes through the dryer, and she and Babineaux sit on his couch for a chat. They tell Chase about all of the circumstantial evidence that connects him to the Aleutian flu outbreak. He gets rather snarky with them, which I appreciated, asking them if they want to watch some TV while Liv’s clothes dry. It’s way better than how robotic he’s been in some of the earlier episodes. Meanwhile, since Chase’s directive, the Scratching post is not doing so well anymore. Only one guy is dancing, and Blaine is so disgusted he turns the music off.

At City Hall, a woman from the CDC tells city staff, including Peyton, that the Aleutian flu out break could be really, really bad. It’s a slow, painful death. Vaccine’s are on the way, however, and she recommends everybody gets vaccinated. Our gang sits around the office, talking about the vaccine. Babineaux apparently is really paranoid about diseases and wants to get his as soon as possible. He’d be even happier if Peyton would tell them where the city is storing them so he could get his early. Liv ends up having a vision of Filmore Graves employee Carey Gold (who I believe is related to Tatum Wexler’s roommate Patrice) standing over Katty, who is in a car trunk, surprised Katty is still alive. The gang now thinks Carey is behind all the recent zombie murdering. And they’d be right. At Filmore Graves, Chase, who has also figured this out, calls Carey into his office and accuses her of mutiny. She admits it, and she says she did it because the whole “zombie island” idea will get them all killed. She’s probably right about that, actually. Putting all the zombies in one concentrated area would just be asking for somebody to destroy them all in one go. Chase calls for security, but the guards are all loyal to Carey. Chase ends up shooting Carey and all the guards just as Liv and Babineaux arrive. He ends up confirming to them what happened.

The vaccination stations are finally open, and of course, Johnny Frost uses his media personality status to get one of the first doses. Meanwhile, Babineaux goes back to the precinct, where he is confronted by Dale. Dale picked up one of Babineaux’s Cis while she was working on intercepting something related to Russia (presumably Blaine’s botched brain drop), and this CI has connections to Major and Blaine, too. It’s that guy Don-E brought into the business earlier in the season. In the interrogation room, Babineaux realizes it’s time to bring Dale into the fold, so he hits the CI and makes him go full-on zombie mode to prove to Dale that there are zombies among us. At the morgue, Ravi tells Liv that he found some open vials of tainted Utopium among Katty’s effects. It’s not enough for a cure, but the residue might be valuable. He has Liv turn the release valve on his mad scientist set-up, and that triggers a vision for Liv. She sees Patrice attacking Katty outside of Tatum and Patrice’s house.

Liv sneaks into Tatum and Patrice’s house. On an abandoned cell phone, she sees text going back and forth about how it’s D-Day and zombies will never go hungry again. Liv’s cell phone battery is dead, so she uses the kitchen land line to call Peyton and warn her that something is wrong with the Aleutian flu vaccines. Peyton tells Liv that the vaccines are being stored at a nearby elementary school. Tatum enters the kitchen, and she explains to Liv how she was zombified. They hug, but then Patrice tries to attack Liv. Liv knocks out both Patrice and Tatum, then she goes to the school, where Filmore Graves mercs are tainting the Aleutian flu vaccine with zombie blood. Liv calls Babineaux, who is in line at the vaccination station with Dale, to warn him. Babineaux has to go outside to get reception, but by the time Liv can deliver the news, it’s too late for Dale. As Babineaux rushes back in to save her, she’s already gotten the shot.

Liv heads to the local news station, where she confronts Johnny Frost about how he’s a zombie now, and she gets him to make an announcement about the vaccines being tainted and that zombies aren’t inherently bad. People flee the vaccine centers and head for the gun shops, but we also see some more tender scenes of new zombie life. Babineaux helps Dale dye her hair. The Scratching Post is hopping again. Chase and some of his mercs show up at the news station. He has his own video that he wants to broadcast. He says Seattle’s zombies will stay put in Seattle if the rest of the country donates sufficient brains (upon the death of the donors) to keep them well fed. It’s a bit of blackmail, for sure, but it’s not exactly a bad deal. We see Peyton inform Mayor Baraccus of recent events while he’s reading a book to a group of school children. It was a scene that was a bit too much of an on-the-nose invocation of 9/11 for my taste, personally. We also see a bunch of humans try to attack one of the new Filmore Graves operated zombie feeding stations, just to get mowed down by Filmore Graves mercs.

At the end of the episode, Liv goes back to the morgue, where Ravi informs her that he has used the Utopium residue to develop what he believes is the first vaccine for zombism. He takes it himself, and Liv is incredulous that he’d use himself as a guinea pig when there’s no good way to test the vaccine. Ravi does have a test in mind. He wants Liv to scratch him. If he doesn’t become a zombie, then the vaccine works. I would think he’d want to try this test in a few weeks after his body has built up immunity, but nope. He wants to do it right now. Liv doesn’t want that responsibility, but Ravi says it’s not her responsibility, because he’s asking for it. He wants her to deliver the scratch because they started this journey together. Eventually Liv agrees. As we fade to black, Ravi makes zombie noises, and Liv tells him, “don’t be a dick.”

MTVP So Cal Summer 2016: "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend" 1.16: "Josh's Sister is Getting Married!"

“I drink anywhere. But I do my study drinkin’ here.”
-Greg

As many episodes of “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” are, “Josh’s Sister is Getting Married!” is an emotional roller coaster. Many of our favorite characters have been continually making bad decisions, and finally, for once, some of them start trying to change their behavior. Of course it’s not going to stick, but I think the trying is important. Rebecca especially gets burned by trying to change her behavior. She wants to be a positive person in the lives of Valencia and the Chans, but thanks to Paula’s continued meddling (and Rebecca not having a serious conversation with Paula soon enough), it all blows up in her face. Musically, I think this is one of the weaker episodes of the season, but Greg’s song in this episode is kind of my theme song for life, so it’s not all bad by any means. That song in particular doesn’t exactly showcase Santino Fontana’s fantastic voice, but it expresses a sentiment I think many of us wanna-be high achievers can relate to.

The episode begins not long after the last one left off, in the aftermath of Josh learning that Rebecca ordered and received a bunch of photographs of him. As Josh looks through the pictures, Rebecca admits that she did have feelings for him, but her trip to New York has inspired her to break old patterns, and she has no intention of interfering with his relationship with Valencia. She even offers to let Josh take the pictures, or she’s going to throw them out. At first Josh declines, but some of them are from good angles, so of course he takes them. Rebecca slips and says that is “the last of the Josh Chan stuff” and has to quickly deny that she has more stuff. In reality, she’s got a whole cupboard of random (and kinda creepy) Josh stuff.

Meanwhile, Greg is still taking extension classes to try and work towards his MBA, and he’s studying for a test at a bar (not Home Base). He starts telling the bartender about how he got into the “Harvard of the South,” which is what he considers Emory, although the bartender rightfully counters that Vanderbilt is usually considered the Harvard of the South. Rebecca shows up at the bar, too, and she and Greg banter a bit before Rebecca decides again that she needs to break old patterns and goes home. When we next see Greg, he’s at school waiting to get his test back, and he is once again bragging to a classmate about the whole “Harvard of the South” thing. To Greg’s chagrin, he gets a C- on the test. His instructor says that she knows Greg is smart, but it is as if he decided not to try. This leads into Greg’s bit song of the episode, “I Could if I Wanted To.” I’ve got to admit, it’s kind of my theme song, and it’s got a great 90’s grunge rock groove. As I already mentioned, it doesn’t especially show off Santino Fontana’s voice, but I still dig it, probably just because I identify with it so strongly.

Meanwhile, at Rebecca’s house, Rebecca and Paula are clearing out the rest of Rebecca’s Josh stuff. Or, more accurately, Rebecca is trying to throw out her Josh stuff and Paula is objecting to getting rid of every single item. She really is a terrible, terrible influence. Rebecca and Paula are still bickering when Josh’s mom and sisters stop by. One of his sisters, Jayma, just got engaged, and she wants Rebecca to be a bridesmaid. Rebecca wants to turn over a new leaf and distance herself from the Chans, so she suggests Valencia should be a bridesmaid, considering she’s Josh’s girlfriend and all. Jayma says that both Rebecca and Valencia can be bridesmaids. This isn’t what Paula had in mind, but she’s thrilled Rachel is agreeing to be in the wedding. Because that’s not creepy.

Greg goes to the grocery store to pick up some coffee for studying, and he meets a rather sad stock boy named Marty. Marty recognizes Greg from the unfortunate events that happened at Spider’s/Spiders/Spiders’ in the season’s second episode. Marty has a crush on another store employee named Ally, but he doesn’t think he has a chance with her. She moved to their store from being a manager at a whole Foods all because she has a crush on yet another employee named Brody, aka “Grocery Clerk with Half an Eyelid.” Apparently he’s really charismatic. Greg sees himself in Marty (it’s the whole going after a woman who is really interest in someone else thing), so he offers to help. With Greg’s prompting, Marty performs a song called “Clean Up on Aisle Four,” which is replete with grocery store puns, for Ally. At first she’s smitten, but then a jealous Brody starts doing cartwheels, and she’s all about him again.

Rebecca and the rest of the bridal party go dress shopping for Jayma’s wedding. Valencia, of course, is late (she’s got to make an entrance), and she walks in wearing full-on feather wings on her back. She claims she just came from a Hometown Hotties audition shoot. She tells Rebecca that normally she’d curb stomp her for kissing Josh, but she’s grateful to be in the wedding, so she’s giving her a pass this time. Rebecca is appreciative and says she can make the Chans love Valencia. She spends the rest of the dress shopping session deprecating herself (mostly about her figure) and building up Valencia. Later at the office, Paula wants an update on wedding prep. She really wants Rebecca’s permission to put something rashy (poison oak would be ideal) in Valencia’s dress, but Rebecca says no. Paula starts researching anyway. Paula eventually thinks she has a source for poison oak who has offered to throw in a few deer ticks for good measure. This is unforgiveable to me – I know people whose lives have been completely destroyed by Lyme, and even Valencia doesn’t deserve that. Rebecca half-heartedly tries to put a stop to it, but Paula won’t hear of it. Before she can object too strongly, Rebecca gets a “911” text from Jayma and rushes to the bridal shop. It turns out that her dress is done early, and Jayma wants to celebrate with her girls.

At the bridal shop, the ladies are all getting along really well. Valencia says she wants almost all of them to be in her bridal party, and Jayma says they don’t all think she’s heinous anymore. Then she asks Rebecca and Valencia to have her dress packed up. While Rebecca and Valencia are working on that task, they start talking about the pros and cons of their respective boob sizes. Rebecca decides to try on Jayma’s dress to make a point (that her boobs would look terrible in it), which leads to one of the iconic (but not one of my favorite) songs of the first season, “Heavy Boobs.” After Rebecca is finished, Valencia also tries on the dress, and on her, it looks perfect. She asks Rebecca to take a picture of her in the dress, and Rebecca agrees. Paula, meanwhile, has hacked Valencia’s phone and social media accounts, and when the photo shows up in Valencia’s photostream, Paula immediately posts it with some unflattering hashtags.

Valencia and Rebecca are just about finished having the dress packed up properly when Jayma and the other ladies show up furious. Jayma says that Valencia has ruined her wedding. Valencia makes the case that she was framed, because, among other things, her hashtags are always positive like #fitspo, not #hotterthanthebride. She immediately suspects Rebecca. At first, Rebecca doesn’t say anything, but then she bites the bullet and takes the blame, even though she did nothing wrong (because Paula’s cray cray). Rebecca is kicked out of the wedding party, and the Chans now love Valencia. Rebecca confronts Paula, who admits that she keeps pushing Rebecca and Josh because she thinks that without Josh, she and Rebecca won’t be friends anymore. Rebecca says that isn’t the case, and she really needs to make some changes.

Back at the grocery store, Greg decides to talk to Ally about Marty. She doesn’t like how he keeps pushing (he even tried skywriting) even though she has clearly turned him down. She thinks it makes Marty seem pathetic, and she wonders whether or not if he stopped his ridiculous pursuit, she might give him a chance. Greg then goes to Marty and suggests that maybe giving up on Ally is the best move. Later that evening, Rebecca shows up at Home Base to drink. Greg is working, they banter, and he makes her a gin and tonic. Rebecca asks Greg if he wants to get another drink once he’s off work, and he turns her down. He doesn’t want to be her second choice. Rebecca leaves, devastated. While Rebecca is sulking at home, Josh shows up to yell at her about Valencia. Rebecca counters that now his family actually loves Valencia, and then she kicks Josh out of her house. And she follows that up by throwing out “Channy Bear,” a teddy bear to which she taped a picture of Josh’s face. Rebecca goes back to Home Base, and she kisses Greg to make her point. At first, Greg tries to say no, but Rebecca assures him that he’s not second place, and this is about him, not Josh. Greg says that if they’re going to do this, it’s not going to be one night of regret. Basically, it’s got to be at least a three-day bang-fest. Rebecca agrees.

Fresh off the Boat 3.20: "The Masters"

“There’s no winner in parenting. But if you see a gold wrestling belt in our closet that says, ‘Parent Mania Champion,” just know I had it made before this conversation.”
-Louis

Overall, “The Masters” was a solid episode of “Fresh off the Boat.” It had an entertaining plot that held my attention, it included commentary on where Asians fit in the world of sports, and we even got to see Louis and Jessica seriously discuss and compare their parenting philosophies. All of this is set up by Tiger Woods playing in the Masters golf tournament. This set up Jessica to first laud, then question her “tiger mom” parenting style, although by the end of the episode, she is of course once again convinced she is right. Jessica wouldn’t be Jessica otherwise. While Emery is kind of sidelined from the big parenting golf competition that ensues, I enjoyed his little side plot where he’s trying to spread the Gospel that Tiger Woods is actually half Asian. The twist at the end of that plot, while sad for Emery, was pretty genius, from a technical standpoint.

Anyway, as you’d expect, the episode opens with the Huang boys watching Tiger Woods compete in the Masters. They’re pretty excited because he is half Thai, and they always like to see Asians do well in sports. They don’t have a lot of pop culture heroes to look up to, so when an Asian comes along and makes news like Tiger did in the mid-90’s, it’s a big deal. The boys don’t want Jessica to know about Tiger Woods, because then she’ll make them all try to learn golf. She does this any time an Asian is famous for something in the United States. A very little Evan had to try and learn to be a newscaster when Jessica learned about Connie Chung, for instance. Evan almost instantly spills the beans to Jessica, however, and you can see the gears start to turn in her mind. This obviously earns Eddie’s wrath, since he doesn’t want to be pulled into another of Jessica’s tiger mom plots.

Emery seems the most enthusiastic about Tiger Woods. He really wants his classmates at school to know that Tiger is half Asian. It’s kind of a running joke throughout the episode that everybody thinks of him as just Black, and nobody realizes he has a Thai mother. Nobody wants to be bothered to listen to Emery, though, not even Eddie’s friends. One of them, for instance, is too busy picking a fight with another kid who has the same backpack. I can totally see this sort of thing happening back when I was in middle school (around the same time as the show takes place). Backpacks were a big deal, people! I sewed lots of cute buttons on mine so that they would be unique. Emery decides to see if he can get Reba to let him use the school PA system to make an announcement about Tiger Woods to the entire student body. He even gives her a folder of research that proves he’s half Thai. Reba thinks this is a story that could break wide open, so she eventually agrees to give Emery the mic. Unfortunately for Emery, once he finally starts his speech, all the kids are out in the school yard watching the aforementioned backpack fight. It’s a great speech, though, and a great twist that suddenly made that random detail of the backpack argument relevant.

Anyway, Jessica tells Louis that she sees herself in Earl. She believes she is the one pushing their kids to greatness. Louis, understandably, is kind of insulted by this, because Jessica is implying that she really does most of the parenting and Louis’ contribution won’t really matter that much in the long run because he is too soft. Louis explains that he has a more laidback parenting philosophy because his father was extremely tough/strict with him, and he wants something different for his kids. I find this interesting considering the “real” Louis Huang that the real Eddie writes about in his memoir was, according to Eddie, extremely tough and basically physically abusive to his sons. Although even if TV show Louis is different from his real-life counterpart, I think it was an interesting point for TV Louis to bring up in this context. After stewing on it for a while, Louis has a solution to this argument with Jessica. He wants to settle it with a golf tournament. He’s going to train one kid, and Jessica is going to train another, and each will use the same golf pro for help, and they are going to see which kid does best at nine holes of golf. They decide not to include Emery because he’s good at everything automatically, so Jessica takes Evan and Louis takes Eddie.

Jessica does her thing and tries to push Evan to the limit. She’s super picky about the golf pro they’re going to work with (she ditches the first one, Phil, because she doesn’t like names that can be shortened, plus he calls her “Jess”). She makes him get up at 5:00 AM to practice before school. Evan is a “true beginner” to golf, as the golf pro puts it, and he doesn’t really take to it well. Jessica gets really concerned about her prospects in this competition when she sees Eddie crushing it at the driving range. Eddie is taking well to Louis’ laid back style, and he loves that they go for doughnuts before every practice. Jessica pretty much has exactly the reaction to this that you’d expect. She wants to win at all costs, even the cost of the dignity of her sons, so she asks Louis if they can switch who they are training. Louis, convinced that his method will work on any of their kids agrees to it. Eddie is understandably kind of hurt by the switch, and under Jessica’s strict style, his golfing gets worse and worse. Louis, meanwhile, takes Evan to a minigolf course, and Evan actually starts enjoying golf and developing some skills.

This turn of events causes Jessica to have a bit of a crisis of parenting confidence. To make her feel better, Louis offers to cancel the parenting challenge and just play a fun family golf game where there is no keeping score. Jessica agrees, but she sulks the whole time. She goes off to get a platter of junk food for the boys (a sign of just how upset she is), and she runs into a woman who looks like she’s Kultida Woods. Jessica asks “Kultida” more about her parenting philosophy and how she feels like her permissiveness has benefitted Tiger. She responds that she isn’t permissive at all. She was very strict, and that lays the foundation. This makes Jessica feel better and like she hasn’t ruined her kids. She feels like she gave them the foundation to then succeed later when they’re able to use a little creativity. We find out later that this wasn’t actually Kultida at all, but Jessica doesn’t know that, so she ends the episode once again satisfied that she is right in all things.

Summer DVR Dump: The Librarians 3.07: “And the Curse of Cindy”

“It didn’t work on me because I’m so awesome? Advantage me!”
- Ezekiel

As if cults weren’t creepy enough in general, magic cults are even creepier. When we begin this week, a woman is sneaking onto the grounds of a hippy cult looking for her daughter. When she finds the girl (after some searching), a gong sounds and everyone gathers to see Cindy, the person they are all worshipping. A short time later, our team lands outside because the clipping book has alerted them to the cult activity. Thanks to Flynn and a little magic, they get on the premises and Ezekiel fills the team in on Cindy. She only goes by her first time, there are no known photographs (if you ask me based on what it looks like before she emerges from the house, she might not even be human) and all kinds of people follow her. They know there must be an artifact somewhere nearby (likely in the house) so they are going to have to find a way to get in. Lucky for the team, Flynn has managed to get himself chosen to be one of the house guests. It’s apparently like some weird, extra skeevy version of Big Brother or something. I can’t imagine this is going to end well.

Things just keep getting weirder as the rest of the team tries to investigate the situation. The girls split off from the guys and manage to get inside the house. We also see Cindy inside watching herself in a confessional video (again, much like Big Brother). She looks pretty sad while watching and I’m wondering if she was like a rejected contestant or something to have everyone adore her. The girls see Flynn giving a confessional but he’s gone by the time they manage to get into the booth (creepy). Also creepy is the giant statue of Cindy (I swear it looks like it was made out of paper Mache). Jake and Ezekiel notice a military truck and sneak into a bunker, only to be immediately chased out by DOSA. I’m guessing they went snooping around, too, and got whammied by whatever Cindy’s artifact is. No one is immune from this crazy chick!

So I may have been a little hasty in my assessment of no one being immune. Ezekiel and Stone get dragged before her Extreme Creepiness and Jake falls under her spell. But Ezekiel is fine. He’s not affected by her at all. Down in the kitchen, the girls run into the chef (a super famous one) who is all upset that Cindy wants from-a-box macaroni and cheese. Eve goes to deliver it and gets to take out a DOSA guy and drag both Jake and Flynn back to the Library (although they weren’t quick enough to keep Jake from spilling quite a few secrets about the library to Cindy). She’s worried now that the Librarians will mess with her plan. While we don’t yet know what that plan entails, we do know that her perfume is the key to making everyone love-drunk morons. Jenkins explains that back in the day, powerful practitioners would brew obsession potions to help with battle. He suspects that Ezekiel was immune because he is so in love and obsessed with himself. They still need to go back and find a pure sample of the perfume so Jenkins can make an antidote, but he mixes up a little something so there is less chance the rest of the gang will be affected by her magic. Once back on the scene, the girls sneak into the barn to find a giant missile being prepped for launch. Yeah, that’s some crazy stuff going on right there. I’m still waiting for Ezekiel to figure out who Cindy actually is.

The girls get locked in the freezer by the witch who is making the potion (sort of a stereotypical cackling old biddie but whatever). Meanwhile, Jenkins tries to break the spell on Flynn and Jake but they just start sort of hitting on and complimenting each other. Frankly, I’d have liked to see more of that. It could have been highly amusing. And while I felt most of this episode was lackluster, I have to admit, Ezekiel really got to shine near the back end of it. He sneaks into Cindy’s room and watches her get horribly voted off a Big Brother-esque show. He remembers her from it and he explains that what she’s after isn’t real. The people will turn on her eventually and he proves it by dousing a group of them with more potion so they are practically tearing her apart because they all want her. Cindy feels horrible for what she’s done (I really liked how Ezekiel was able to open up to her) and she insists they have to stop the missile launch. Unfortunately, she’s now changed the potion and turned everyone to love her. Well crap!

But with a little team work from our gang (including Jenkins showing up with the antidote), the missile is stopped and everyone is okay. We also learn that the God of Chaos had inhabited the woman we thought was a witch and he’s floated off to regenerate in his sarcophagus. As things calm down, Ezekiel tells Cindy that she’s got one friend (in him) and she should start from there. She gives him a big old kiss that leaves me a bit flustered before he plants a gentle one on her forehead and heads out. Back at the library, the gang ponders where the god’s sarcophagus may be. And Jake (rightly) points out that it wasn’t Ezekiel’s narcissism that kept him immune to the potion, it was because he already had feelings for Cindy from watching the show. Our little thief is loath to admit the truth but I have to agree with Jake on this one. Ezekiel doesn’t show feelings for others often but he does definitely have them. And as the episode comes to a close, we find that the sarcophagus is in the hands of DOSA. That can’t possible end in anything other than terror and hellfire.